Dating Guru Guide

“Why won’t men ever LISTEN?”
“Did he even HEAR what I just said?”
“All I really want is a man who UNDERSTANDS what I’m saying.”

Unless you’ve been mercilessly trapped in a boarding school for boys for twelve years (don’t laugh), you have probably heard all three of those phrases before. Maybe they were directed at you, or perhaps toward someone you know–possibly even your Dad. At the very least, you’ve heard such lines used on TV and in the movies. No matter what, it’s NO secret that if you want to understand how women think and what motivates them, you’ve got to understand the importance of being a man who LISTENS to them.

Now look. Right off the bat, you’ve probably got one or both of two different objections swirling in your brain. No worries. I totally get it. Your first thoughts when confronted with this issue are probably IDENTICAL to mine, and indeed those of most normal red-blooded guys. The first one would be, “Hey wait a minute. What about EQUAL TIME? If she wants me to LISTEN to her, I’m going need to be HEARD also.” OK, duly noted. The second thought you may have is, “What, are you kidding? Women are ALWAYS ’sharing’ about something. I mean, generally speaking she’s GENERALLY SPEAKING.” And let me guess…when it’s time for you to say what’s on your mind, you may think she’s not LISTENING either. So why should you bother? Is this a “CONversation” or just a “ONEversation”?

Well, here’s the deal: BOTH of those points are, well…BESIDE THE POINT. Face it. You don’t require “equal time”. You probably don’t need to talk THAT much, do you? I’ve got news for you. And rest assured it’s good news. When a woman talks about how much she values a man who listens, I’m almost certain she isn’t referring to a desire for a guy who smiles and nods “yes, dear” at her while she runs her mouth. Or let’s put it this way. If she IS expecting that, it’s HER problem. It’s a preposterous one-sided expectation, and an unreasonable one at that. Plus, let’s face it-if some guy WERE to sit there and allow himself to get steamrolled like that on a regular basis, do you think that same woman is going to respect him much?

Not on your life. Not in this universe. Nah, man. We’re talking, as always, about HIGH QUALITY women around here. And yet, THEY tend to want a man who LISTENS also. And that can only mean that there has to be some reasonable explanation for why they prioritize listening. And furthermore, there has to be some DEPTH to WHY they prioritize it. I think there are two very, very real forces that guide a woman’s extreme value on “listening”. Here they are:

1) CONNECTION

Women weren’t born yesterday. They know when your interest in them is purely physical. And as we’ve discussed time and again, when you approach them in that regard it makes them about as excited about you as you would be about hanging out with a woman who only saw you as a walking bank account. And no doubt, some of us as guys lack self respect enough to behave like broken vending machines. If she kicks us hard enough we’ll cough up some goodies for free. And sure, some women lack self respect also.

But that’s not how it’s supposed to be. You are aiming HIGHER than that-and so are the women you want most to deserve. So when a woman is watchful for a man who LISTENS, what she desires at the deeper level is CONNECTION. In other words, she’s wondering, “Will this man VALUE me for more than what’s on the surface?” She knows you SEE her. She knows you’re all about TOUCHING her. In fact, the ONLY one of your five senses she CAN’T be sure you’re totally into based on physical attraction alone is–you guessed it-LISTENING to her. Let that one sink in for a second. When stated like that, it would appear women really have a lot figured out here…even if they can’t exactly always spell it out for you as I just have. But make no mistake, if you VALUE what she expresses you’ll going to go A LONG WAY with a high quality woman. If you show POSITIVE CONCERN for what’s on her mind, you’re her new hero. If you can EMPATHIZE when she’s had a rough day, it means you’re LISTENING. Remember always, COMPASSION is a masculine trait. It’s not for “softies”.

If you’ve been led to believe that “men are the war mongers” or “fighters”, then the next time you hear that you can come back with the simple fact that it’s MEN who generally bring peace to END wars also. Compassion stands alone, as does every virtue. Vices are dependent upon the virtues they pervert for their very existence. For example, what if “hate” stood alone? We would cease to exist. “Hate” cannot exist apart from the “love” it seeks to destroy. Compassion takes raw courage and masculine strength. When you succeed at CONNECTING with a woman, you have actually DE-feminized yourself and in a very real way SET YOUR MASCULINE NATURE FREE. I realize what I’m saying here flies in the face of every PUA teaching you’ve ever read. But don’t touch that dial just yet. Test me here. Put what I’ve just shared to good use the next time you meet a woman you are genuinely attracted to. Then report back on whether she was MORE or LESS sexually attracted to you after you showed POSITIVE CONCERN and EMPATHY.

I’m telling you, guys. If you want a SHORTCUT, what I just gave you is about as close as it comes. That said, I understand this may require a bit more elaboration. So pay very close attention for a second. NOBODY is telling you to AGREE with everything she says or to CAPITULATE to every demand or desire. And nobody is telling you to PUT YOUR OWN NEEDS aside forever. Ironically enough, one of the ways she can REALLY tell if you’re LISTENING is if you quit nodding like a bobble-head doll and RESPOND HONESTLY with what you have to say…even if you disagree. In fact, that’s a major key to the SECOND reason why women value a man who “listens”:

2) SECURITY

Come on, now. You ALREADY KNOW it always comes down to this. A woman desires a man who will make her feel safe and secure in his presence. Further, she wants a man who LEADS. If she doesn’t feel secure, she’s not at ease with you. And that means you’re getting NOWHERE with her…fast. If she cannot TRUST you, she isn’t going to be interested in the PLAN you have for your EVENING together, let alone a LIFE together. And guess what, that part I alluded to about her being MORE secure with you if you DISAGREE sometimes? It’s a fact. If you’re amenable to EVERYTHING she says, she can’t TRUST you’ve got a backbone enough to stand up to ANYTHING, if not even her. Besides, people who are 100% agreeable usually have a HIDDEN agenda, don’t they?

So there you’d be back at square one, were you to play the “nice guy” when it comes to listening. Her trust level would be at ZERO But usually guys blow it here by NOT LISTENING to a woman. AT ALL. They just make assumptions, plan big expensive lobster dinners to “impress” her, and get “all mad” when she announces at the table that she’s violently allergic to seafood.

But if you take the time to LISTEN to what’s on her mind, the outcome tends to be very different. Sure, women often say, “Did you even HEAR me?” after something has gone in one ear and out the other. But what she really means is “You weren’t LISTENING…and now I don’t know where I stand with you.” “Hearing” is a biological thing. “Listening” is a more about the mind. When you first meet a woman, she will almost always tell you what you need to HEAR. If you LISTEN to it, you’ll make mental notes that will enable you to LEAD like a champion. If you LISTEN during that first phone call together, she’ll tell you what is important to her, what brings her joy and maybe even what she ISN’T fond of. During those phone calls most guys hear a noise that sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher talking. But you aren’t “most guys”.

Similarly, most guys will SCREW UP the ensuing first date as a direct result of NOT LISTENING. Instead, you’ll custom-craft an unforgettable time together that probably even cost you next to zero money. And she’ll say, “It’s like you READ MY MIND. This is PERFECT. You’re AMAZING.” Be honest with me, now. That wouldn’t suck. Ultimately, when she knows you LISTEN, she learns to TRUST you. She trusts your plans, your judgment calls and ultimately YOUR LEADERSHIP. And THAT’S what equals “security” in her mind. You LISTENED. You have it HANDLED. And she’s in the presence of a MAN. Do you think that’s NOT going to be attractive to her?

Gentlemen, the next time you hear a woman who is frustrated over men not listening to her, try this…LISTEN. This is not about “kissing up”. This is not about “obeying” or anything like that. Man up and recognize strength over weakness in these situations. It is every bit as WEAK to ignore a woman’s needs in favor of your own selfishness as it is to kowtow to HER every selfish need. You provide BALANCE to the relationship. You LEAD effectively by LISTENING first so that your ACTIONS are educated…and decidedly more evolved.

By: Scot McKay