Men to Avoid Dating – A Girl’s Conversation Cheat Sheet
Author: Beth Cofone // Category: RelationshipsAre you a single woman trying to find your Mr. Right? Then you need my ‘Conversation Cheat Sheet’. It helps you avoid meeting or considering a first date with a guy who is wrong for you. My cheat sheet works best when you haven’t met the guy yet. Let’s say you’ve started talking on the phone after he’s contacted you from an internet dating site. My cheat sheet shows you how to find those red flags that tell you when the guy is “bad news”. The most important thing you must realize is that talking on the phone at length with a guy you’re considering meeting for first time or even considering a first date with after you briefly met each, is very important if you are looking to find a potential “friend/companion with benefits, love interest, or dating partner”. Screening a guy on the phone is crucial. Why?
Well, the 1st reason you must talk at length on the phone before you meet him or date him is because you have to find out about his “attitude” about key things in his life, including his attitude about himself and the people in his life. Believe it or not, a guy’s attitude about his life is easy to detect when you talk on the phone once you know what questions to ask and how to read his attitude in his answers. And that’s why I devised this cheat sheet; to show you how to read his attitude. You can figure out his attitude about a lot of things in just a few phone conversations. And that attitude will tell you how well he will treat you, whether you are compatible, and whether he can offer you what you are looking for in a dating relationship. Find this hard to believe? Are you saying to yourself right about now, “Yeh, right, I barely got to know my boyfriend after dating him 6 months, so how will I know anything about a guy in just 2 phone conversations?” Well, most women do find out a lot about a guy’s attitude on a myriad of things in just a few phone conversations, but they do not consciously acknowledge seeing these things to themselves. That’s because they are so intent on landing a guy, that they just want him to like her and desire her. They just worry about the guy wanting them instead of focusing on whether the guy is even right for them. And that’s the problem with feeling desperate about getting a boyfriend. You make choices based on fear, and not based on truly loving and caring about yourself.
The 2nd reason you must use this cheat sheet and screen a guy on the phone is because you must get in touch with YOUR ATTITUDE ABOUT THE GUY’S ATTITUDE. Yes, believe it or not, we usually have already established in our mind subconsciously an attitude about the guy we’ve spoken to. We have reacted to his words and formed our own attitude about his attitude on life and buried it deep inside us. So, this cheat sheet is really a way for us to acknowledge what we already see about him and unearth our attitude about it. We will see if he is going to have an attitude that focuses on us and respects us and treats us well. We will frankly see our attitude about his attitude towards his ex. We will acknowledge when we don’t like his attitude about blaming his wife for everything. We will acknowledge how we feel, which is “if he can talk this way about her, he can treat us in the same disrespectful way.” We often “blindly” see red flags about the guys we date and ignore them. But when we follow the cheat sheet, we face seeing these things and don’t blindly give a guy a chance thinking this time he’ll be different with us. The truth is, for most guys, they never change how they live their life or treat women. They won’t work less, stop being promiscuous, spend less time with their kids or be less frugal with money.
One of the things women tell me when they use “the Cheat Sheet” is that they never find a guy that passes the cheat sheet test. “If I go by the cheat sheet,” then I’ll never have anyone to date” they tell me. And my answer to you is this: The cheat sheet works in miraculous ways. It helps you to eliminate many potentially bad dating partners in your life. Yes, you may have a dry spell from dating anyone for awhile, but you are also avoiding many potentially bad relationships. You may be dateless for months, passing up opportunity after opportunity with all those potentially wrong partners. And then, one day, when you are open and free and have made it clear to the universe exactly who you are looking for, that guy who passes the cheat sheet with flying colors will come into your life. Yes, you may not date as much at the beginning of using the Cheat Sheet test and that’s fine. Being selective means weeding out all those potentially wrong partners. Giving anyone a chance by dating him is just telling the universe there is something about this guy I don’t like but that’s okay. ‘”It’s okay for me to date guys that have things about them I don’ like” is the message you give the universe. Because the truth is, deep in your subconscious you are aware of the hings you don’t like about him. And that is why this type of guy keeps entering your life: The wrong one for you that you just keep accepting.
Another reason it’s important not to meet or date a guy you’ve met right away is because, when you meet a guy and have a strong physical attraction to him, all your common sense about whether he’s right for you goes out the window. Yes, you’ll tend to overlook those red warning flags about him that will ultimately make you miserable when the sexual chemistry starts to wane in the relationship. The Cheat Sheet gives you red warning flags about a GUY’S ATTITUDE that shows whether he is capable of being a caring and giving love partner. It gets you in touch with your attitude about whether he is right for you. Most women look at statistical facts about a guy to decide if he is dating worth dating her. But statistical facts mean very little. Why? Because a guy can make $150,000 yearly and be so cheap that he acts like he earns $35,000 yearly; a guy can be a loving father with his kids and make them his whole life to the point of making you feel like “the other woman” in his life; a guy can have a great job and work day and night and never be there mentally or emotionally for you. Get the picture? It’s his attitude about money, his kids, and his job that matter. And this attitude is one he will show you when you talk on the phone, if you know how to look for it.
My Cheat Sheet covers a man’s attitude about these key areas of his life:
1) his attitude about past relationships with women including his wife
2) his attitude about work and play
3) his attitude about valuing the things you value in your life
4) his attitude about money
5) his attitude about sex and monogamy
6) his attitude about his hobbies and addictions
7) his attitude about his kids
his attitude about himself and his life in general .
There is a lot you can tell about a guy’s attitude in the key areas of his life from just a few conversations with him, without getting into details and facts about his life. Most guys are very transparent about their attitude towards women, work, money, sex, their kids, and you. It’s his attitude about these things that matter more than the facts about them. Knowing his attitude about these things just takes a few phone conversations, when you know what to talk about and focus on. And a few phone calls is a whole lot better than going out on an uncomfortable blind date and then realizing the guy isn’t for you. So if a guy pressures you to meet him right away, just say you aren’t sure yet when you’ll be free. Let him keep calling you and you’ll eventually get a good idea about his attitude on a lot of things very quickly. And if he passes the “Cheat Sheet Red Flag test”, then meet him with the positive attitude of knowing he has the potential of being a good partner for someone. And that someone might possibly be you. After all, wouldn’t you prefer to know before meeting a guy that he is cheap or a workaholic, than start dating him and finally realize it after months of dating? I know I wish I had.
So let’s get started:
The Cheat Sheet Test Red Flag #1: His Attitude about his Past Relationships with Women
You don’t need to know the details about how many women he’s dated since his divorce or how many women he’s had sex with since he left his wife, even though it would be nice to know. Most likely a guy will not want to talk about it or tell you the true details on the phone before he meets you (or possibly ever). But he will usually have something to say about his ex and why the marriage ended or why the relationship ended with his girlfriend. You must bring up the subject by asking him how long he was with his ex and why the relationship or marriage ended. Then sit back and LISTEN TO THE FIREWORKS DISPLAY! The most important thing is HIS ATTITUDE about the past women in his life. Does he act respectful towards his ex? Does he harbor angry feelings? Does he blame her for ruining his life? Does he show resentment towards her? Does he have the attitude that she was the one responsible for the marriage ending or she cheated on him? Does he have the attitude that he was a victim of her mean, cheating, unappreciative behavior? Does he own up to any part in the relationship failing? Does he refer to her using derogatory words like “bitch” or “slut”? Does he still have a good relationship with her if he shares custody of the kids with her? Another sign to look for is whether he is still emotionally attached to his ex. Does he talk about her endlessly by either talking about how much he dislikes/hates her; all the things she did to him; or can he not even bring up the subject of talking about her without looking like he’s going to implode? Some men are not emotionally over an ex, the pain or anger is deep within them and you will sense it. AVOID MEETING OR DATING GUYS LIKE THIS. If he has a healthy attitude about women and his ex, he may say very little but what he does say will sound respectful and he will act fine with the fact the relationship ended. He will not hold any grudges or harbor any ill will or deep rooted resentment and anger. When a man is narcissistic, with deep rooted anger issues towards women, he never owns up to his responsibility in a relationship or life in general. Sometimes a man is in a relationship where the woman cheats on him and he is a victim of her promiscuity, but even that kind of man is one you want to avoid. He still has intimacy issues with women. Most men who have anger towards an ex are often guilty of “objectifying” women. They see women as servants that are supposed to act and be a certain way; more as their possessions to control. The truth is: No one person ruins a marriage or a relationship. It takes a lot of work to make a marriage work and any man who blatantly sees his partner as the one to blame for everything that went wrong is someone who didn’t care about doing his part in being giving and caring in the relationship. Don’t fall for his “feel sorry for me I was a victim of a cold, selfish, uncaring, cheating wife”. And if he claims he never had sex with his wife in the marriage for years, he’s either lying or he’s been having affair(s) throughout his marriage.
Red Flag Item #2: His Attitude about Work and Play
You don’t need to know how many hours he works but you do need to know his attitude about being busy and his attitude about what he has going on in his life. Does he act like every minute of his day is booked with some important thing going on? Does he make time to spend talking to you and does he show an interest in your life? Is he calling you when he’s driving somewhere and only has a few minutes to converse with you before he reaches his destination?
Men who are workaholics are usually “busy drones” at home, always working on some project and never being free to talk to or relate to you because they are always involved in fixing or doing something. Avoid men who say they “work hard and play hard”, that’s just “workaholic justification” babble. If a guy has the ability to relax and enjoy life, you’ll know it by what he says to you when he has to get off the phone; does he have to get back to painting the bedroom or doing some chore? And can he plan meeting you in advance? If he is a workaholic he will also have commitment issues. Does he change the day or time last minute for your first meeting? Does he always seem hurried and busy? Does he always suggest you drop everything and meet him the night he calls you? Does he make you feel like you are taking up his precious time when you talk to him? It’s amazing that in our society today, so many men are addicted to work at work and at home, and we, as a culture, embrace it. But dating a guy who makes you feel like he’s honoring you with his time is not the kind of guy you will feel fulfilled dating. He will “never mentally and emotionally be there for you”. When you talk on the phone to guys like this, you will know it. You will feel it and sense it. Don’t let the temptation to be that “all important woman that he finally cares more about than all those other precious things he has scheduled in his life” make you want to meet him or date him. You will only be that one more thing on his “to do list”. AVOID MEETING OR DATING HIM.
Red Flag #3: His Attitude about Valuing the Things You Value in Your Life
This one is really important. Are you both on the same playing field in life? Is he on a completely different planet from you? Most men I’ve dated did not relate to me in terms of accepting my interests in life. I always changed who I was to be compatible with them in every relationship. And ultimately, when I just couldn’t take not being me anymore, the relationship ended. Can you be who you truly are with this guy? I believe every woman, when they talk to a guy, get’s a feeling in her gut, whether they can be who they are in a relationship with him or whether they would have to change something about their life or themselves to make the relationship work. You will know it, by talking to him, if he’s the type of guy who’ll ever be interested in what interest you in your life. Does he ask about something you told him on the 1st phone call on his 2nd phone call to you? If you had a cold, does he ask “how’s your cold?” Or, if you were going somewhere the day he called, does he ask whether you had a good time the 2nd time he calls you? If you want a guy who’ll remember your favorite clothing store when it’s your birthday and buy you something from that store, then you’ll have to listen to how much he pays attention to the things you tell him about your life. You’ll sense it when you talk to him if he is interested in knowing about you and your interests. You’ll know when you suggest a movie you want to see or a restaurant you want to go to and he’s enthusiastic about finding out the show times for your movie or mapquesting how to get to your restaurant pick.
You’ll know how much you are compatible by how he spends his days. You’ll know how much you will have to change your life to be compatible with his by what his hobbies are. Ask him what he likes to do and what his hobbies are. You will get the feeling that your lives can mesh beautifully just as they now are, or you will get the feeling that you would have to lower your standards, change your goals, live somewhere you don’t want to live, be with kids you don’t want to be with; accept things you truly morally can’t accept; or never get along on certain subjects by what he tells you about how he lives his life. Ask him his goals in life. You might be surprised to learn he plans to move out of state in 2 years. There are so many ways a guy can look good on paper, but if you have that feeling in your gut that you would have to change an important part of you to be compatible with him, then DON’T MEET OR DATE HIM.
Red Flag #4: His Attitude about Money
Another major thing to get a good gut feeling about is his attitude about money. Many men have emotional anger issues related to money. They feel they don’t earn enough to feel self worth; they feel like failures because they didn’t succeed in the profession their father picked for them (and their father has reminded them about this ever since); they feel their ex financially stripped them of financial stability (she got the house lament); they pay child support and feel stripped financially by their ex wife and kids. Most men are open books about their negative attitude about their finances. They will complain about their hardships or make sarcastic jokes about it. Their anger issues with money are never well hidden; you will sense when something about their financial situation just isn’t sitting right with them “emotionally”.
It’s important for you to know what you want in a relationship with a man and to honor your needs and desires. Do you want a man who can offer you financial stability, who owns his own home and can afford to take you to nice restaurant and enhance your life financially? Or, are you okay with being the one paying for things because you are financially stable? Be honest with yourself and listen to a guy’s attitude about his financial situation. If you want someone who can add to or compliment your life, do not accept meeting or dating a guy who is driving a beat up old car, and barely has enough to pay the bills after he pays for child care. DON’T MEET OR DATE MEN WHO CANNOT GIVE YOU THE FINANCIAL LIFESTYLE YOU DESIRE. Love does not conquer all. When you try to make a relationship work with a man who has anger issues with money, who never wants to spend money living the kind of life you want to live; who doesn’t have your aspirations (because he doesn’t want to put his money towards those life goals); who doesn’t care about your needs and desires with money; you will be miserable witth him. If a guy has money issues, you will know it just by the attitude he has about money. And definitely do not date anyone who is separated and not divorced. Many a relationship can become strained by divorce, because divorce is costly and can often change a man’s financial situation overnight as well as his emotional state of mind.
Red Flag #5: His Attitude about Sex and Monogamy
Men looking for a sexual fling are open books. They will only focus on the physical with you; constantly complimenting you about your appearance; and bringing up the subject of your anatomy and sex into every conversation. It isn’t worth trying to find out how many sexual partners a guy like this has had since his divorce or whether you are one of 10 women he’s trying to date this week from that internet dating site. Guys like this will never be honest about their intentions. Guys only wanting a sexual relationship or guys with sex addictions (of which there are many) who are serial daters who date until they have sex with a woman and then move on, will call you every night until they finally get to meet you and have sex with you. They must meet you immediately and can never plan a date with you in advance (or if they do, they’ll change the date and time last minute). They are guys who want to see you the day they call you. Some women are turned on by these “bad boys” because they often appeal to a woman’s vanity by making her feel like they finally found the beautiful woman of their dreams. And they always lament how, “I just can’t find the right woman who understands me” to appeal to your codependent need to help them. The more they give you the impression they need to see you immediately and not let another day go by without glancing at your gorgeous face and eyes, the more they are looking to have a sexual fling. And the more they paint themselves as victims of selfish women who mistreated them and used them, the more they are narcissistically describing themselves. DON’T MEET OR DATE GUYS LIKE THIS.
Red Flag #6: His Attitude about his Hobbies and Addictions
Many men have addictions: addictions to work, addictions to drugs, addictions to alcohol, addictions too sex, addictions to an ex. And yes, so do women. But this is our cheat sheet, and for our cheat sheet to be successful, we can’t have the addictions we are trying to avoid in the men we date. I’ve already talked about sex and work addiction. If there is one thing that always contributes to the demise of a relationship, it’s an addiction. So how do you know in 2 conversations with the guy you’re considering dating has an addiction?
A lot of men hide their addictions to drugs and alcohol very well, especially on the phone. Of course you’ll know he’s had alcohol addiction when he can’t order a drink on the first date. But why wait till then to find that out he’s been an addict and you don’t want to date him? Some men even hide alcohol addiction well after dating you for several months until they get you emotionally dependent on them. Then suddenly they’ve had too much to drink in front of you and gone into an alcoholic rage. Wouldn’t it be great if you could weed out those guys that have alcohol and drug addiction before you even meet him? The good news is: yes you can.
The one thing about men with addictions is that: they all have “addictive personalities”. How do you know if the guy has an addictive personality? If he does he will often have a serious obsession with doing some kind of hobby, or be obsessed about fantasizing about a goal in his life that he does things to plan for (like reading real estate for hours on end because one day he wants to buy a house down the shore). The point is, he takes a hobby or interest and brings it to the level of an obsession. So listen to the things he used to enjoy doing or is now doing with his life. How much did it or does it control his world? Ask him all about his hobbies. If he seems obsessively into something that he can’t seem to stop talking about doing, (and he will expect you to change your life to conform to the demands that his obsessive hobby makes on him), he usually has an addictive personality and possibly even more serious addictions, such as a sex addiction, work addiction, or alcohol/drug addiction. Guys like this will one day be obsessed with body building and the next day they will have a business project they obsessively spend time on and then that will disappear and they will become addicted to making miniature planes. Guys with addictive personalities do not hide their obsession from you.They talk about them constantly and fondly recollect past ones. DO NOT MEET OR DATE MEN WITH OBSESSIVE HOBBIES OR ADDICTIONS.
Red Flag #7: His Attitude about his Kids
I have met many men on the internet whose entire social world consists of doing things with their children from a past marriage. You may be telling yourself, once he dates me he’ll spend time with me and his kids will take a back seat. The answer is no. If a man constantly talks to you about his kids and when you ask him what he did that week you realize that his social life consisted of taking his children shopping, you are always going to compete with his children for his love. A man with a healthy relationship with their kids also has friends he spends time with and does things with. Some men will give you a feeling in your gut that their daughter has become a substitute companion replacing their wife (in an emotional, not sexual way). DO NOT MEET OR DATE MEN LIKE THIS
Red Flag #8: His Attitude about Himself and his Life in General
There are happy men who love life, and then there are men who are angry, unhappy and miserable about their life. When you talk to a guy, you will know in your gut which kind he is. Men who are happy with life and themselves never complain about their “bad luck” and “misfortunes”. They find humor in things and they have an optimistic point of view. They don’t make sarcastic comments about life or people, such as, “My daughter came over the other day and took hold of my wallet again”. Guys who like life, like themselves and will be able to like you and make life a happy experience for you are guys who don’t seem to have a black cloud of bad luck that’s always following them in life. When a guy has that cloud of bad luck, it’s because he mentally brings it into his reality. You will know in your gut if you are talking to a happy guy who sees life with the glass half full or a guy who sees life with the glass always half empty. You will know when a guy carries that black cloud because there is impending doom in every aspect of his life: his job is on the line, he lost money, his friend swindled him, his car just broke down, he just had another fight with his brother, he just got another speeding ticket, etc. MEET THOSE GLASS HALF FULL GUYS.
The point to the Cheat Sheet is this: you have to believe that you deserve to be discerning. Exposure to lots of guys through the internet is fine, but dating lots of them until you just happen to click with one of them is a lesson in futility. You have the right to screen guys on the phone to make sure they don’t have the kind of attitude that will make you miserable being with them. You have to stop listening to those well intentioned friends and relatives who say to you, “just meet him, stop worrying about whether he is right for you, just give him a chance”. The pressure to just have someone to date to make everyone around you happy won’t be easy to avoid. But it’s because women buckle to that pressure that so many are in unfulfilling relationships that ultimately end. We must be selective about who we date. We deserve to date a guy without anger issues who has a positive attitude about his life. We must tell the universe we don’t want to spend our life with anyone who gives us that bad feeling in our gut. We must stop caring about having no one to date. We must allow the right guy into our life by not wasting time with the wrong one. So screen guys on the phone and be very selective. It’s your life’s happiness that’s at stake and that happiness is something you truly deserve.
Author: Beth Cofone
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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